you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
