I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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