Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
