I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
