I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
