i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
