shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
