Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
