porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
