im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
