whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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