Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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