I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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