You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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