so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
