She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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