Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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