And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
