Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
