apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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