Cold hands, warm shart.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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