Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
