Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
