We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
