I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
