Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
