party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
