Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
