so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
