He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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