im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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