the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
