guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
