I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
