when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
is wine microwaveable?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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