I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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