Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
