When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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