Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
