peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
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