My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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