you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I wish you could order shots online.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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