So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
