Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
