I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
