I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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