somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
