While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
What a dumb baby whore.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
