That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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