Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
time to smoke my breakfast
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
