I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
