the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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