I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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