I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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